I’m on repeat everyday.
One?two? Three beers? Glass of Malibu and orange juice? Whatever takes the pain away.
Call my boys, listen to their sweet voices and laughter.
Another goodbye and sweet dreams yet I cannot kiss them on their foreheads or tuck them in. Turn away the monsters that they believe are hidden under their beds or in their closet.
Shower. Crawl into bed. try and get lost in a tv show. Pray to whoever is watching over me that I can a least dream of my kids so that I can at least say I see them on a daily basis. So in some way I can wrap my arms around them, feel their warmth.
Pray for strength to somehow get through this.
Pray that they can one day understand why mommy can’t be there in person right now.
Wake up before the sun comes up.
Get ready for work, kiss my love goodbye and wish that I would just stay curled up next to her.
Off to work. Spend the day smiling and laughing and help people to have good days. Counting the minutes to the end of my shift.
My days are on repeat. I just want this time to speed up yet in the same breath, do not. I want to be with my kids and they still be tiny. I know this time next year my boys will no longer be toddlers/1st graders. I will have a kindergartner and a 2nd grader. If you’re not a parent you don’t understand what it feels like to miss a year and half of your child’s life. I feel like their changing so much I don’t even know anything about them anymore. I feel so far from them. I hate this.